It's Curtains...for OHB...

"I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex."... I wud love to have the Oscar Wilde lines summing up the closing pages of OHB ("Of Human Bondage"). I wonder if these Wilde lines had any relevance to the "complex" characters with equally "complex" pleasures of "The picture of Dorian Gray"; but to a life rich with diverse experiences, shaped by relationships... some inadvertently entangled to and others willingly alienated from, driven by passion to explore distant lands...a life that chose to surpass the tortuous trail of relationships... to captivate itself in creations that the inferior intellects are unfortunate enough to comprehend...eventually embracing stability and yielding to the simple pleasures of human bonding...couldn't make the otherwise a charming novel more charming. It would be very unlikely of Maugham if it had been a short story... but for a journey of over six hundred odd pages...a life that is tossed to the extremes throughout...willing to take more...the solace that stability had brought in, is still intriguing. Would he never yearn for those cryptic lands, those revelations of solitary explorations...does the power of human bonding encompass all the practical and impractical...yearnings, fascinations and ambitions of the life lived...???

A New Found Energy...

...Or should I call it regaining lost energy. As I put down the feelings on my notepad, sitting by the window in FL5...my hand shivers...a sign of playing throwball after a long time. It feels great. It just revealed..."I am me"...whatever life takes me through, however distraught I am... "I will be me". A game of Throwball brought out the child-like enthusiasm in me again...

I was playing it after a long time...I was excited...I was nervous...will the ball slip through??...and it did sometimes...but didn't the other times. That little fascination to be middle one of the forwards...concentrating on the ball flying past the net...the dejection at the ball slipping through...that feeling of importance when u've won a point for the team...the arguments with the refree...It was like re-living old days...

If you still find it a little ambiguous...this is about a throwball match conducted by the "Back 2 school" club at CTS. I really felt I was back at school. It was an electric atmosphere... and my call "taken" got lost out almost everytime. Celebrating on scoring "winners"... reassuring each other on our faults...we sailed through. We lost the match...but playing itself freaked me out with joy that I can't imagine what a win would have made me. Nothing mattered...it was the first time I took a loss in my stride. I was free from all thoughts for few moments...a part of my soul was all animated...it was leaping across the rails unmindful of the approaching train as I watched it over the platform...I was happy for myself...

A Tussle Within...

Sometimes I strangely find myself in a disturbed state and today is one such day. I call it strange because I know not the reason that's affecting me. It irks me that I should depend on something as unreliable as time to get myself back to normalcy. Sigh...today, as most of the days in the past few weeks, I have nothing to talk about except of "Of Human Bondage" and the music classes. It makes me feel if I am restricting myself to things that seem to narrow down my thought process... or are they diversifying it in a way to question me on various things...I seem to myself lacking perfection in, clarity on and devotion to anything in life. With no ideas or thoughts of my own, I seem to be living vicariously. Down to the fourth music class, where's the initial excitement... where's the promise I made to myself to spend my time after the tedious interviews "njoyin" music...even as I post this "navaraaagamaalika" sweeps past my ears...but never manages to stir the soul...
If music should spurt from the soul, should I care to differentiate between M1 of "Sankarabharanam" and M2 of "Kalyani"... It's N3 in both but it still is different...phew...I don't seem to make out the difference...my heart yearns for instrumental music...the yearnings went thru keyboard, violin and now it's veena...I don't trust myself anymore now...I have always been an enthusiastic starter and then a reluctant learner...
I reconcile myself that it's just a matter of time...time!!!...how I hate this uncertainity...What do I have in store for me at the end of this wait...
I have ruined one to build another...One seems Norah and the other Mildred...I just hope my Mildred doesn't turn out to be as bad as the original one...Damn...It's "OHB" again...